151 Days

November 20, 2019, was basically a funeral. *It was at a somber ceremony for transgender day of remembrance where I met her in person for the very first time, and I believe we hit it off much like I do with everyone. I do try to put new siblings at ease when I know they're new to our area and need to find some comfort in the face of a friend and ally.It was a very cold evening; and seeing her in a short pastel blue skater dress and spike heels I knew that (besides looking stunningly gorgeous), this amazon woman would be absolutely freezing by the end of the event. I remember wishing that I had brought an extra cardigan in my car for her to wrap up in*because it was so chilly - and she would not take the one I wore when I offered it. *After learning she was from the desert and who she was, I was*especially*excited to meet her though; Because I already knew of*her; with sis having told us already during a group meeting. I remember when I first heard about this particular woman, I thought how brave and committed she sounded, and I thought it was sweet that sis was genuinely concerned about her well-being and also being supportive - and had reached out to educate herself to be as supportive as possible at that time. (I don't even remember now when that first support meeting was).So, you see I had already filed this special woman from the desert away into the "people I'd*really*like to meet someday" part of my mind. *Meeting her in person was different though because it also turned out that she had so many common passions as I do. I learned she loved surfing and bicycling in that first conversation - while we spent a fair amount of time talking together at this chilly table sitting on wet metal bar stools after Escort Fikirtepe the service. We exchanged contact information.* I'd like to think that in the month that passed before the new year we chatted a fair amount but honestly, it was probably only a message here or a liked photo there, and so on...*We actually did see each other in person again at a holiday party during December, where we made our first date to do the polar bear plunge together on New Year?s Day. I remember feeling overjoyed at the idea of beginning the year with this new person to share adventures with, especially the ocean adventures kind. * She loves the ocean as much as I do, and so, we spent a few Saturday mornings together with her watching me frolic in the cold surf while she sat and drank coffee because she didn't have an actual bathing suit. We would walk the beach and talk together. *She started kissing me on the cheek when we parted. I remember being surprised that she would want to do that. I don't think we ever called them dates but in thinking back about it, it kind of feels like they were. I thought it was sweet to be kissed even as a kind feminine gesture, and I began to wonder what a real kiss with her would feel like. *That full-on-the-lips kiss was shared soon enough, after a night of cocktails and talking. It was awkward because I didn't know what to expect or to be honest even how to behave. I absolutely felt like I messed it up because I was not completely prepared. The next time we did it, I was more ready, and it was easier between us. (Were we measuring each other for passion?) *I knew that I wanted to kiss her more. *Throughout January she was frustrated about not having Sancaktepe escort work, and about being rejected repeatedly by otherwise great opportunities she would have been hired for. Much of our conversations revolved around those hard rejections. In early February she became very depressed about it, and I began to worry about her, and the effect the stress was having on her. She was so angry at being discriminated against for being trans. I remember feeling her pain and being angry too - because as trans women we all understand the fear of being left with no means of support due to other peoples' ignorance. *I felt helpless to assist my friend. *I wanted to get her outdoors, to have some fresh air, to get a break from the constant pain I could see her in.We made a weekend date to just spend time together. I ditched my usual swimming activities in order to just spend the time with her. We got some coffee at one of her favorite places downtown.* She then asked if we could go to an area here that we call Montaña De Oro - which has trails and ocean air. * We walked one of the trails and ended up at an overlook - peering over the edge - with the waves crashing on the rocks 100 feet*below. *She stood too close... I knew*what she was thinking. *I stood by her, ready to grab on and hold her back if she tried.I made small talk while she weighed the choice in her mind. A family with a small child came near and provided a welcome distraction from the moment. *She stepped back from the edge. *During a different conversation on a different day, she told me I couldn't have stopped her if she had decided to go - and maybe she was right. But I know I would have died trying and üsküdar escort bayan I think she did too. *I saved her life that day. *And then we walked back to my truck and sat in the cab out of the wind and listened to some playlists she had made up. and we talked. * While we listened to the music, she sang to me. * And then the wave of emotion came for her.I held her in my arms for a long time while she cried it out. All of the pain. All of the judgment. All of the uncertainty. *And I fell in love with her during that hour. *I wasn't looking for love and neither was she. It's the power of the human spirit, and the connection of sharing such a profoundly raw moment gave us each other's souls to hold. I don't know if she loved me just yet, or if she just knew she could trust me and allowed herself to be vulnerable so I could share the burden. * I would have gladly carried it all for her in that moment (I still would) *I began to feel hormone storms coming from within me after that day in the truck. Every time I was near her. Every time we talked. Every time I thought of us together. I began to fantasize about her, about what it would be like to give myself to her physically and she to me. My feelings of attraction and desire became so intense I started reaching out to others for advice. *How do I stop this? That was my plea. I knew to give in to the desires would mean great pain for someone else that I loved. *Nobody had*an answer. *And, in the midst of this search for a way to let go of this profound attraction, I also wrote a poem for her as a valentine?s day gift. * "In myself, there is you," I wrote... *At the end of February, I*took a trip to do a moving chore with*this gorgeous spirit whom I could not stop thinking about... And as my reward, she was to show me the town and we would have drinks with all of her friends. It was a glorious evening plan. I secretly hoped it would become more. I actually thought about booking our shared room with just a single king bed. (I truly wish I had been so presumptuous).**